BEYOND THE GREEN MANUAL

Getting a cancer diagnosis is extremely stressful, and that brings a whole load of emotions, and lack of sleep certainly does not help. I think many of us have periods of insomnia and will spend the rest of the night getting frustrated because we can’t sleep. That for some like myself is where journaling any thoughts or present challenges helps.


Journaling is a powerful habit that helps clear your mind, process complex emotions, reduce stress, and track personal growth. Putting thoughts on paper turns boosts problem-solving skills, and creates a permanent record of your life's journey. Withdrawing it from within ourselves so it doesn’t stay festering within us, or have they risk of having our thoughts and emotions dangerously or selfishly expressed on to other unexpected individuals.

A Macmillan journal is supposed to help you to feel empowered and take control of your treatment journey so that you can focus on what's important . . . you! Going through any treatment can be difficult. It disrupts daily life, can be stressful and may be painful. As well as care from medical specialists, family and friends, it’s important that you practice self care. This journal has been developed by NHS staff and tested by their patients and supported by Macmillan. With instructions to help you get the best out of the journal, you’re guided on what information to complete and when, to ensure you’re prepared for your hospital visits and so that your medical team understand your day-to-day experiences and challenges. There’s space for you to record the medication you need to take and when, the contact numbers and details you may need as well as a daily record sheet (the journal part) where you can make a note of any questions you may wish to ask at your next appointment.

My own little green book was going to be a printed story, even though I’m known for not being a storywriter. Notes started forming in my Macmillan green journal - But that ended before it began. I thought I had thrown it away, but recently found it again. Interesting, just one entry, speaking before my operation. I’m a writer, mainly a poet, I have been told I’m not a story writer by a story writer. So I stopped trying to be what others thought I couldn’t be. I thought writing about my cancer journey would help others. Yet, this all changed during my time in hospital. I never took the journal in with me; I hadn’t expected to stay in more than 24 hours. So I never wrote my experiences down.

I thought I could just catch up once home, write down all the parts I could consciously remember. But that all changed the second night of my hospital stay. I felt God tell me ‘NO’. Don’t write it as a public story for publication. Rather, carry on writing as you do—either in your personal, ordinary journal or as your poetry. So that is what’s happened.

Looking back to that encounter with God, I clearly see His reasons. A lot is very private and personal; who would want to entertain that? Stuff that may bore the pants off someone. I’m glad I didn’t pursue it. There is work out there that touches on my cancer journey but isn’t so obvious.

That one entry in the green book will never be discovered. I haven’t seen it around lately; it must have been thrown out. Another thing to blame on chemo brain. I have lived this journey; I know the ins and outs. It’s part of me—my history, present, and future. Now, God willing, chemotherapy is behind me, and the cancer diagnosis will hopefully be good at my next review. Both the private and public chapters of that story — only what I’ve felt comfortable sharing. Right now, all I can say is that the pain now wouldn’t be repeated tomorrow, three to four weeks from now, like before. But there will be physical and mental changes as my body adjusts to not having poison pumped into me every three weeks.

I don’t need a green specific manual or reminder to tell me that. We don’t need to talk about cancer journals or medical logs. Those who know. But I respect those whom that green ‘self-care journal through treatment,’ produced by Macmillan, helps them process their personal cancer journey with tips and reminders.

Thankfully, my gift of creative writing, family, church, and friends has been my blessing and rock throughout. I’ve counted it all a privilege, especially having my faith to lean into. I can barely recall getting in a strop about the unfairness of it all; it isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m probably frustrated at times, with occasional tears. I’m not being blasé about it either; I’ve just chosen to accept what it is.

“Little green book, little green book; I once took a look, but your pages only had a fleeting look, I never undertook to read them all, never to write my feelings inside, my cancer journey for others nor I to track on what I didn’t consider selfish hard luck.”


©️Sarah Joy Holden

Footnote: I'm trying to discover if I am capable of being a storywriter. Apparently the problem the storywriter found was my stories where to short and lacked content. I would love to hear feedback in the comments section below.